Roommate 101
How to make help both you and your roommate thrive
Going to college is most likely a major adjustment from what you were used to before. Living with roommates could be one of the best experiences in college, or one of the most challenging.
Even if you picked your roommates ahead of time, there is a big difference between being friends with them and living with them. As Jeff Smith, Jr., residence hall director at Saxe Hall and the Northwest Apartments, said: “The best friends don’t always make the best roommates, and the best roommates aren’t always the best friends.”
Your roommate’s way of living is most likely different than yours. There might be times when they do something that you think is crazy, but they probably think the same thing about you. You may have different study and sleep schedules, eating and drinking habits or expectations of hygiene and cleanliness.
But, with some honest feedback, open minds, careful preplanning and sincere communication, even perfect strangers can be near-perfect roommates.
Steely Pegg, hall director for Fabiano and Celani residence halls, said while there’s no magic formula, ensuring the best possible situation for all roommates is easier when everyone buys into three big-picture goals: keeping an open mind; investing in the process of open and honest relationship building early in the year; and relying on residence hall staff if and when things go a bit sideways.
It starts with a survey. When students complete the housing application, they will be asked to also fill out a lifestyle questionnaire. This is designed to match potential roommates based on preferences and probable compatibility.
“Be very honest about what you can deal with and what you can tolerate living with, because what you ask for is what you get,” Smith said. “It’s so important to take a few minutes and really think about the questions that are being asked.”
Once you’re matched, Pegg said it’s critical that when you do your first bit of research into your research — that is, seek them out on social media — you don’t jump to conclusions.
“Students, before they come here, need to be open-minded to who someone is, rather than who they seem on social media,” she said.
Even if you’re the most compatible pair in the residence hall, the odds are good there will be times when you bicker with your roommate. When living in close proximity to another person, arguing is nearly inevitable.
Fortunately, there are some simple steps that can help keep a misunderstanding from growing into a great divide.
Within the first month of the semester, every residence hall room will be asked to meet with hall staff to complete a Roommate Agreement Workbook. This document provides a guide to help roommates find common ground and set expectations on critical topics like respecting one another’s personal space, communicating issues, maintaining hygiene and cleanliness, and the division of chores.
While the document is completed early in the year, Smith said it’s a living document that can be revised as needed.
“A lot of times when I’m seeing a roommate conflict, it’s not that there’s really a conflict, but they’re wanting a friend” or to be a friend, he said.
Clearly, communication is important when it comes to this, and sometimes just giving your roommates space can help out a lot. Mental Health America lists some specific practices on how to best resolve roommate conflicts.
Among them:
• Set boundaries early on;
• Develop a plan to handle visitors;
• Discuss a phone policy — and how to protect one another’s privacy when talking with family, friends and partners; and
• Determine a lights-out policy acceptable to all participants
Smith said it’s important to not let a problem simmer for too long. He advises his staff to think about the 48-hour rule: If something bothered you and you’re still upset about it two days later, it’s really an issue that needs to be addressed.
For many first-year students, this is their first time away from the security of their family home; for many second-years, this becomes the year when they will cease returning to live in that home.
That means this is the best possible time to learn life-long skills like communication, conflict resolution and vulnerability, Smith said. That’s no small ask.
“We want to have a real dialogue and talk about those things,” Pegg said. “(Students) need to be vulnerable.
“It’s really hard. Their room is their safe space at CMU.”
Fortunately, when conflict arises and seems insurmountable, the residence life staff is available and ready to help, Pegg said.
“Resident assistants are not there just to support first-year students,” she said. “They’re there to support every student on the floor.
“They want more than anything to be helpful. They find joy in being a resource and providing support to other students.”
Dealing with roommates can be hard, but these people can be some of the closest friends you will ever make. Or maybe they are just not compatible with you, and that is totally fine too.
“There’s always some sort of answer to every problem,” Smith said. “If you take the time to get to know (your roommate), someone you were paired with may end up being your best friend or a really important part of your story.”
